Identity

I have been doing a lot of meditating, experimenting, and hypothesizing about who I am in the past year. I have been given the blessing to find the tools necessary to get rid of some of my grosser defects. Those I can firmly place in the "who I am not" category. It seems like that has been a commonality for me. I can pretty clearly define for you what things (myself included) are not, but have a harder time defining what they in fact are. So, in the interest of pinning myself down and challenging myself more, I am going to try and do just that.

I am a mother.
This, to me, is a very large part of my identity. If I were to look at a pie chart of what parts make up the whole self, the "mother" slice would be quite satisfying to a large appetite. This is something I have always wanted to be. Even when I went through the aggressively feminist phase of my life, I knew deep down that motherhood on some scale would be included in my life.
I love being a mom. So much so I have made it my profession. Some days I am not any good at it whatsoever. But then again, who can truly say they are on their A game EVERY day in their own jobs? It is important to me to be good at my job. These boys, these future men, are my responsibility. I will have some say in what kind of members of society they will turn out to be. That is huge.

I am a wife.
I love my husband. I can say with 100% certainty that he was the man that I was suppose to marry. We married very young. Children really. We have somehow been able to stay together (by the skin of our teeth a few times) through things that would tear even the most loving relationships apart. He challenges me. He confronts me. He makes me laugh. He loves me. I am better for having him in my life.

I am a friend.
This is one part of me that needs a real overhauling. I don't think that I am a very good friend. I don't say this for sympathy... I say it in honesty. I am not sure if I ever learned how. I forget, a lot, that the women I am friends with are just that, other women. They are people too. They have their strengths and they have their faults. They all do the best they can with what they have at the time. I find myself being catty about them, or setting up unrealistic expectations that I couldn't even follow myself. I make demands, and wish desperately that I could change them. I have come to realize as of very recently though two very important things: 1. You cannot change other people to make you happy. and 2. I probably wouldn't like the person I made them in to anyway! I am hoping by realizing this, and realizing my other numerous defects where friendship is concerned, I will be able to cultivate better relationships with women, and maybe gain a better understanding of who I am in the process.

At this point, I am tempted to start a list of the hobbies and interests that float in and out of my life, but I think that might be best suited for another time. Perhaps I procrastinate because I am really not sure at this point what they are... perhaps because I think it would be boring or unsuitable for this format. Lets say that, for the time being, those interests are limited... with hopes of expansion.

what is a friend?

I have been asking myself this question a lot lately. I am not sure if I am any where closer to finding an answer. I know what a friend isn't, some of the time. I know what a friend can be. I know what friends have been in the past. But to make a definition of what a friend is, seems to be nearly impossible.
It seems that friendships, like anything good in life, are not always easy. They wax and wane like the moon. It seems to me, in my experience that in order to gain a good friendship you have to be good with yourself first. You have to know what you want out of a friendship and what you are willing to give up and put up with. You have to be willing to put the time in to a friendship. If you don't spend time you will never know one another and you will never be comfortable.
However, as I sit here, rereading what I have typed it occurs to me that I may very well be full of shit. Do real friendships feel like work? Does it seem like a laborious task that you add to your to do list? Probably not. Perhaps friendships just.... are.
Like I said, I am no closer to answering this question than I was when I first pondered it.